Broken Home Woes

The following is a reaction of a post my sister made on her facebook status. It sparked a very interesting conversation amongst we single parent children and I figured I would memorialize my thoughts here.

"Children have a primal need to know who they are, to love and be loved by the two people whose physical union brought them here. To lose that connection, that sense of identity, is to experience a wound that no child-support check or fancy school can ever heal."

I think that there is a lack of bonding when you only have one parent so when you grow up, something has been missing in your development. I believe that it can be supplemented by other relationships, but I think that not having both parents present in your life has a signifigant impact on the amount of questions one might have about their identity.

I have "researched" and discussed this topic with a myriad of people of different family backgrounds and it is my understanding that there is a vast difference between the self-respect and self-actualization of children from those two very polarized worlds.The child from the single parent household has trouble rationalizing the motivation for their absentee parent without simultaneously demoralizing their own self worth. I also appreciate your respect for the single parent that remains steadfast.

I also want to add to the argument the perspective of the single parent. As a part of a couple, i am able to experience a balance. If I have a hairbrained idea, Michael is able to bring reality to the table. If Michael is too reserved, I am able to add some spontenaity to his attitude. As a team we have both a point and counterpoint. As a single parent there is no soundboard, ballast, or anchor to counter your possibly emotional and inevitably difficult decision making. Noone is given a manual, but when two brains are solving a problem, you have a better likelihood of seeing all sides. When you only have one brain, no matter how phenomenal the brain may be, it's only one perspective that goes into the decision.

Furthermore, as a single mother or father, there is noone to temper your own feelings or take care of you, except yourself. This can sometimes put a huge sense of responsiblity on the child to also be a caretaker. In some ways it can require the child to grow up before they are able to actually have all their needs met. This is not because of the lack of wherewithall of the single parent.To have needs is to be human. When those needs are not being met by the person who they should be (one's partner), one supplements as best one can (often with one's child). You become a different kind of "team" that tackles everything the world throws at you. This said, the child is then left without some of the required ingredients for making a well developed adult. This void is too emotionally draining to be compensated for with a "child support check or a fancy school." Eventually, these children need to find those missing ingredients in other relationships. It leaves them ill equipped to create a new, whole family before figuring out which pieces were missing from their own development.

We can't ignore the fact that that PIECE of our childhood was influental in our makeup. Certainly he is not discounting the adaptability and the perseverence of the human spirit. I find that it is primarily in acknowledging the absence of wholeness that we can begin the process of becoming whole. It is giving the person who is a victim of broken relationships validation, not judging and insulting him or her. It helps them acknowledge and "make peace" with the injustice that has happened to them. I think we can all agree that this situation is an injustice to all involved, both the child and the parent who was left to raise the child alone.

This is actually a rather understanding and accepting attitude toward we children of single parents. As a person who was left by not one, but two fathers, I have grown into an adult who is quite capable of love and connection and producing offspring that will NOT be subject to the same lack of parental influence. It is BECAUSE I had this experience that I realize the true power of a home with two parents.